'Come yew on, John, yew're taking up all o' the rud.' To which old John replied: 'Funny thing, guv'nor, Oi wuz jist paassing the searme opinyun 'bout yew.' * * * A DISTINGUISHING FEATURE Some 50 years ago, a dealer called at an farm in an out-of-the-way corner of Norfolk. A bucolic looking youth answered the knock, 'Is your father at home?' asked the visitor. 'Noo, he int,' was the reply. 'Yew'll find him down the rud wi' the owd pigs. Yew'll know father cos he got a hat on.' * * * A BELLRINGING RECORD The new vicar met one of his bell-ringers outside the church. 'You have been ringing bells a number of years, I expect,' he said. 'Yis, sir,' replied John, 'that Oi hev, sir.' 'Have you ever rung the old year out and the new year in ?' 'Oh, yis, sir,' said John, 'hundreds of toimes.' * * * GOOD MORNING, UNCLE In a small, well-known town a new curate said to the choirboys: 'Now, boys, when you come into church I want you to say "Good morning, father".' The boys went home and told their mothers. Said one: 'You'll do nothing of the sort. You have one good father. You don't want another. Tell him I have no objection to you calling him uncle.' * * * * * * THE CHAGRIN OF JACOB A Norfolk schoolteacher had been giving a lesson on the virtue of patience. She asked her class how they thought Jacob felt when he found he had been given Leah for a wife instead of Rachael. She expected to be told that he felt spurred on to wait another seven years. Instead a child said: 'I expect he felt wholly sucked in.' * * * WHY HE SOLD THE SOW A man was telling a friend about the sow he used to own. 'But Oi got rid on her,' he said. 'She worn't n' good. The fust time she pigged she din't hev any an' the next toime she hed only tew and they et each other.' * * * THE DOG WON A prominent farmer, who was also a keen greyhound-owner, was one day exercising the pride of his dogs when it surprised a hare and a terrific chase ensued . Following them up, the farmer enquired of an old labourer if he had seen anything of the greyhound or the hare. 'Aye, marster, thet Oi hev. They went by me an' they worn't half a-goin' and Oi'd say the owd dawg wuz about four yard a-hid.' * * * DRAWING THE CORK
Many years ago, I was having net practice on the cricket field and was being bowled to by two or three village lads and old John O'Connor, father of the more famous John O'Connor who played for Essex for many years. I had been batting for about 10 minutes without being bowled and called out to old John: 'There's a bottle of beer on the stumps, John.' 'Is there!' he said. 'Right!' He picked out the best ball of those in use, licked his fingers and with a broad grin sent me down a ball which would not have disgraced even Bedser. How it missed the off stumps I really do not know. I called out: 'The bottle's still there, John!' 'I know it is,' said he. 'But the cork's out!'
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* * * THE ROAD TO CROMER A cyclist who was spending his holiday in Norfolk came to two fork roads. One road led to a long, steep hill and not wishing to climb this unnecessarily he decided to make sure first of all that it was the right road. He approached a yokel, who was standing nearby, and asked him which was the road to Cromer. 'Oi dun't know,' he replied. The cyclist decided to start pushing his cycle up the hill, under the impression that it was probably the right direction. As he reached the top he heard the yokel calling out in a loud voice: 'Hi! Hi! Come yew here!' So he made his way down the hill again and when he reached the bottom the yokel said: 'Oi hev jist arsked moi brother an' he saay he dun't know either.' * * * FAINT PRAISE In a Norfolk parish a farm worker met the rector on Monday and wanted to say that he had enjoyed the sermon on the Sunday. The best he could manage in the way of appreciation was: 'Your sermon never did me no 'arm last night, sir.' * * * WE HETTA BE EXACT A carpenter and an engineer were discussing how accurate they had to be in measuring their work. 'In our work,' said the engineer, 'we measure to within thousands of an inch.' 'We measure nearer than that,' said the carpenter. 'We hetta be exact.' * * * THE POMPOUS VIRGIN OF ELY Some years ago a friend of mine lived at Ely and, one day, she noticed a very stout and pompous man who often walked in the grounds of the house. One day she said to the maid: 'Who is that gentleman?' 'Oh, him,' replied the maid. 'He's one of the virgins from the cathedral.' * * * A LITTLE HELP Old George had living with him on the farm a young man who was always late in getting up in the morning. So one morning George called: 'Bill, yew be late agin this mornin', so, I're helped yew a bit. I've laced yer boots up ready for yer.' * * * A USEFUL SIZE OF CAP
A boy came home from school in a very tearful condition and complained to his mother that other boys had called him 'bighead.' Between his tears he asked if he had a big head, to which his mother replied: 'Of course not, Willy. Dew yew dry your eyes and run down to the shop and get me a stone of taters in your cap!'
* * * PHENOMENON The local preacher had come across the word 'phenomenon' when preparing for the service he planned to take the following Sunday and naturally had to make full use of it. Unfortunately he'd never heard the word pronounced and kept saying 'flnny-nomen.' At the meal which followed the service his host remarked: 'That was a powerful sermon of yours, brother, but there was one word I didn't understand. What is a finny-nomen?' 'Well,' the vicar replied, 'tha's like this. Yew've seen a cow chewing the cud in a field? Well, that en't a finny-nomen. Yew've seen a thistle growing on the side of the road? Well, that en't a finny-nomen. Yew've heard a band play "God Save the Queen"? Well, that en't a finny-nomen. But if yew saw a cow sitting on a thistle by the roadside whistling God Save the Queen that would be a finny-nomen!' * * * TAKING A HINT A clergyman taking over temporary Sunday duty asked the parish clerk to place a glass of water in the upstairs pulpit so that he could drink it before starting his sermon. After the service the minister remarked : 'You know, John, that might have been gin for all the congregation could tell.' On the next occasion he discovered to his horror that it was gin. Came a stage whisper from John below: 'I took the hint, sir, I took the hint!' * * * A SHORT ASSOCIATION John the sexton was fond of his glass of beer and it so happened that one evening the rector was passing as John entered the village inn. Rector: 'John, I pray you not to enter that place. You are going to the devil.' John: 'That's all right, sir. They close in two hours' time so I shan't be with him long!' * * * AND FINALLY...
When my father was practising in Norfolk, he had occasion to attend a man of some 70 years who was critically ill with pneumonia. When it became obvious to him that the man was dying he spoke to the man's parents, the old man being then about 90 years old, and told them there was no hope for their son. 'Thass all right, doctor,' said the father, 'we knew we'd never rear that boy.' WYMONDHAM AT WAR - SATURDAY WYMONDHAM AT WAR - SUNDAY
'Oi're bin looking arter this ticket all day long an' he's bin and tore the b****r up.' * * * A NEW MATTICK In the early days of pneumatic tyres a cyclist was passing through Hevingham on the Norwich road and noticed his tyre was getting irather soft. He enquired of a local boy: 'Do you know anyone who has a pneumatic ?' 'No,' replied the 'boy, 'but moi faather hev an' owd 'un in his shud.' * * * I BET HE DID The village schoolmaster, taking a class in history, asked: 'Who signed Magna Charta?' to which a little boy replied: 'Please, sir, I didn't.' Next day the schoolmaster met the boy's father and said to him: 'Your little boy amused me yesterday in class. I asked him who signed Magna Charta and he said: "Please, sir, I didn't".' To which the father replied: 'The little rascal. I bet he did.' * * * WORTH THE TROUBLE One day I was talking to an old shepherd about the plague of greenfly from which my roses were suffering. He said: 'Well, bor, yew can soon git rid on them. Git some owl rubub leaves, put 'em in a kilter, and pour some bilin' water on 'em. Kiver it over an' let it stand till it git cowld. Then pour orf the licker an' git an owld squart and squart that on 'em. Bor, that'll dew un for sure.' * * * QUITE POORLY Old George Martin was very ill and when his son Mark was asked how his father was he replied: 'Well, bor, some days he's all roight an' another day he's bad all the week.' * * * INTELLIGENCE TEST
a school inspector visited a village school and said to a class of boys: 'I want to test your powers of observation. Will a boy please give me a number of two figures and I will write it on the blackboard.' 'Forty-nine,' one boy called out, 'Forty-nine,' repeated the inspector. 'Thank you,' and he wrote on the blackboard 94. He waited a moment or two and as no-one spoke he said: 'Will another boy give me a number of two figures and I will write that on the board.' 'Seventy-two, sir,' said another boy. 'Thank you,' said the inspector. 'Seventy-two.' And he wrote 27 on the board. Then he turned to the class and still no one spoke and so he said: 'I don't think your powers of observation are very high, but I will give you one more chance. Will another boy give me a number of two figures and I will write that on the board.' A small boy at the back of the room shouted out: 'Firty-free, marster, and dew yew try mucking about wiv that!'
'Har,' said one of the hard-up members, 'an' what Oi'd loike ter know is. how faar are we orf pay-day?' * * * LOOSE LIVERS Giles, the verger of a small country parish, had been unwell and it was arranged that he should be examined by a London specialist. On his return he said to the rector: 'Oi'm in a very bad way, sir. Oi mustn't dig no more graves or toll the bell or do anything that causes a strain on moi body and Oi want yew to pray for me next Sunday.' 'What on earth is wrong with you, Giles?' 'Oi've got a floating kidney.' 'Well,' said the rector, 'if I say that prayers are asked for our verger who has a floating kidney I'm afraid the congregation may laugh.' 'Well,' Giles exclaimed, 'the congregation din't laugh the other Sunday when yew prayed for loose livers.' * * * NEXT TO GODLINESS Two men were digging the foundations of a building, when one said to the other: 'My boss once said to me: "Bill, you've been with us 17 years and you're the cleanest navvy we ever had. 'You're either wiping your nose or cleaning your spade".' * * * SELF SERVICE At Grimston there used to be an old-fashioned bakehouse where they used to sell bread on a counter beside the oven. One day a big burly tramp called and asked for help when the baker was getting out a batch of bread and putting it on the counter. 'You look big and healthy enough to help yourself,' he told the tramp. 'Thanks,' said the tramp and, picking up a loaf, walked out. * * * LABOUR SAVING
Many years ago, I was chopping out sugar beet with a gang of farm workers and the conversation happened to torn to football pools. Each of the men expressed his views on how to make the best use of the £75,000 he hoped to win and one of them said he would like to buy himself a farm. Another wanted a small holding to potter about on. But the most original idea came from old Butch who was not at all keen on farm work. 'If ever Oi bought 'n' land,' he said, 'Oi'd buy 50 acres an' then concarete the lot.' Then, with a chuckle and a nod of his head to the hoeing we had done, he added: 'An' that woon't never be n' more tro'ble to no-one.'
Shortly afterwards opened and the following conversation took place. 'Who's there?' 'Tha's me, master — George.' 'What the devil do you want?' 'That b****y owd cow, she on't live t' the mornin'.' 'What makes you think that, George?' 'Th' owd b****r is dead now!' * * * MR BROOMHANDLE A boyhood friend of mine went to work for a farmer who used to send his milk to a dairyman. One morning the farmer came to him and said: 'Old Bill, who usually takes the milk, is ill in bed. So I want you to take it to Mr Broom, the dairyman.' The lad arrived at the shop, went in and shouted: 'I're brought the milk, Broom.' 'You have what?' 'I're brought the milk, Broom.' 'Do you know I have a handle to my name?' 'Well, yis, but here's yar milk – Mr Broom-handle.' * * * CUTTING An old farm labourer was hoeing one day, all by himself, in the middle of a 10-acre field. A bitter east wind was blowing. In due course the farmer walked across to see how the hoeing was progressing and remarked: 'My word, George, but this is a terrible wind. It's enough to cut a man in two. Back came the reply: 'Oi wish the b****r would. Oi should then hev somebody ter talk to.' * * * HAVE ONE ALONG A ME A farm worker was about to depart when his employer appeared at the door and asked him if he would like a drink. With a vision of lovely brown ale George replied: 'Aye, marster, that Oi would.' The farmer went indoors and soon reappeared with a glass of water, and George, not wishing to show his chagrin, drank it. But when the farmer asked if he would have another he replied: 'No, marster, yew hev one along o' me.' * * * VALEDICTORY PINT An elderly Norfolk labourer was paying what was probably his last visit to an old friend who was suffering from an illness that promised to be fatal. The conversation eventually veered round to the subject of coffins and a lovely argument developed on the merits of oak versus elm. Eventually it was time for the visitor to go and leave his friend with whom he had had many a drink. The old man pulled himself up in bed and said: 'Now look yew here, boy, when yew go ter moi funeral dew yew step out at the "Bull" an' hev a pint along o' me, as Oi shan't be along o' yew when yew come back.'
'He stood by moi bed an' he stroked me hands an' me head an' he wuz wonderful kind. What dew yew suppose that mean, Mister John?' *Oh, I don't know, Beth, I'm sure.' the vicar replied with solemn sympathy. 'Well,' she says, 'Oi reckun thass a sign of rain.' * * * NO MATTER A boy at our school had an outsize head. One day he went home crying and his mother asked him what the trouble was. He said that the other boys had called him 'bighead.' 'Well, never mind, my boy,' said his mother. "There's nothing in it...!' * * * SOME TEMPEST Several years ago I drove a friend round the bulge of the Norfolk coast. We stopped at a small coastal village and saw some plums in a butcher's shop. My friend went in to buy some and asked the shop-keeper if they were his own growing. 'Yis,' he said and added that he would have picked more had it not been for the 'tempest' the night before. 'Rearnin, rearnin,' he said, 'that rearned enough to smudder a pig.' * * * STUPID QUESTION Old George went to the railway station and asked the booking clerk for a 'return ticket'. 'Where to?' politely asked the clerk. 'Why, back here, you duzzy fule!' said George. * * * SIR ALFRED, POET A ditty made up by Alfred when a young man: I feel very lazy and loose, For business don't seem any use. But days that are sunny are better than money -- So working can go to the deuce! * * * DIRTY TRICK A railway crossing keeper near us owned a donkey and cart. He was out driving one day with a friend when the donkey dropped dead. The crossing keeper turned to his friend and said: 'He never served me that trick afore.'
Said counsel to an eye-witness of the affray: 'Now will you tell his lordship and the jury just what happened?' 'Well,' said the witness. 'Thass loike this – 'e took a stick an' 'e took a stick an' 'e hit me an' 'e hit me an' if 'e'd as hit me as 'ard as 'e hit me, 'e'd a-killed me that 'e would.' * * * OFF THE RECORD A local farmer was having income tax trouble. He was no great scholar and the art of book-keeping was a mystery to him. The income tax inspector pressed him repeatedly for a return of his income and, as it was not forthcoming, decided to make an arbitrary assessment of £1,000. To his surprise the farmer turned up one day at his office with a great bundle of one-pound notes, which he laid on the table. 'Here y' be, marster,' he said. The inspector counted the notes and found them to be correct. 'If you will wait a moment,' he said, I'il give you a receipt.' 'Receipt?' replied the farmer. 'Whoi, blarst me, bor – yew int a-goin' to put it through the books, are yew?' * * * CONSOLATION The churchwarden of a Norfolk parish, to whom the rector has just made the announcement that he is leaving the parish, replied: 'Well, sir, I'm sorry to hear it, for what I allis says is: "Never a bad un goes but a wuss un comes".' * * * NO HURRY
in the days of the 'sporting parsons' two labourers muck spreadin were watching a hunt in the distance when one said to the other: 'There's a rider off his hoss, a-layin' in the ditch.' 'So there be,' said the other. 'Why, tha's the owd rector.' The first labourer leaned more heavily on his muck fork. 'Cor, blarst – let him lie,' he said. 'He on't be wanted agin till next Sunday.'
* * * LATE MORNINGS Some old friends of ours who usually retire quite early were having a few late nights due to the Christmas festivities, when one of them glanced at the clock and said: 'Tha's time we wuz home. It wuz mornin' afore we went to bed last night an' it'll soon be mornin' agin ternight.' * * * GOOD MANNERS Many years ago a certain gentleman in our village gave each of his staff a new half-crown as a Christmas box. One of his employees was an odd-job man and regarded as rather simple. To him the employer held out the half-crown in one hand and a half-sovereign in the other. The old fellow grabbed the half-sovereign and quickly putting it in his pocket said: 'Thank-ee sir. I took the little un as mother allus towd me not to be greedy.' * * * MUTUAL SILENCE A labourer had gone to a new job and after a few weeks was asked how he was getting along with his new master. 'Well,' he replied, 'he en't said nothen ter me.' Then, after a pause: 'An' come ter think on ut – Oi en't said nothen ter him.' * * * DON'T MAKE SO MUCH FUSS
Each year, during the summer months, there used to visit a certain village a titled gentleman and his aged mother. A local lad was hired to push the old lady around in a bath-chair and, one day, when wheeling her down a rather rough path he tipped her over. The frightened lady gently reproved him and the lad retorted: 'Howld yar row. If I'd a kilt yew might ha' hollered.' |
Boy Albie
Norfolk born and bred. Archives
August 2020
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