It's been quite a while, but I'm back again now with some more jokes and stories in Norfolk dialect. They are standing under an old oak tree, which is still growing in the area but now, instead of standing on its own, the ancient tree is surrounded by housing. And now for the first story, which I hope will amuse you. THASS A LARF 'Well, m'boy,' said Owd Bob. 'Talkin' abowt beer, Oi shull allers call t' mind the day Oi went t' Bungay Rearsus. 'Oi was a young darvul in them there days Oi c'n tell yew! Me un my paartners wus orf there t' see them there owd hosses. They cud wholly run in them there days, yew know, suffun diff'nt t' the owd French hosses now. 'Well, bor, it all started arter Oi'd had one or two. What did Oi dew but a-start a-walkin' back'ds right thru' them there owd farm'rs un folk who ud come to see the rearsun. So my brothers they say t' me, "Wuh bor, yew a had anuff, that yew hev. Dew yew a be a-gittin' hum, dew yew dorn't yew'll git yarself inter trouble." 'Orf Oi goo hum. That wus a rare long walk too. Hetter walk everywhere in them days, yew know. Oi'll never know t' this here day how Oi got hum, but Oi did. It must a bin somewhere about chimin' hours Oi reckun. In frunt a our house wus a lot a rareluns, five a six on 'em high. Dew yew know, bor, Oi must a thought they wus our owd stairs, cus Oi tuk orf my boots un socks and started a climberin' up on 'em. A cors when Oi got t' the top over Oi goo inter the owd front gardun. 'Arter a little while up goo one o' the bedrum winders and my mother she say, "Wuh, Father, dew yew hear that owd row in the gardun, that sound like some one a-snorin." 'A cors that wus me yew might be sure. As it wus moonlight she could see me and she say, "Wuh, thas thet there boy Bob!" 'Father he git up and git me indoors, but, dew yew know when Oi git upstairs and undress Oi starts a-walkin' down agin. Oi wus that there duzzy Oi dint know up from down. 'Next day Oi hetta goo a tanup (turnip) cartin' and it wus a rare good job Oi had a hoss un not an owd motor. Round and round the fild went thu owd hoss un tumble (tumbril). Oi sat in thu bottom on ut and bor, wunt Oi suffin bad. 'That day larn'd me, Oi can tell yer, an' Oi hint touched a drop from that day t' this. Them that dew, dew say as how the beer int s' good now. Well that wus my 'sperience so Oi leave yew tu judge.' * * *
'No no. I mean who's the master ?' the squire asked him. George, again pointing: 'That little owld b****r there. 'E can whip the lot on 'em.' The squire rode on and, a bit later, he met the head stockman. 'George was trying to be funny this morning,' he told the stockman. 'Just take it out of him, will you?' Head stockman, later, to George: 'Squire's just bin a-talking to me 'bout yew. He says he watta gi' yew a job up at the Hall.' George: 'Oh, ahh? Wha's that?' Stockman : 'He wants yew to go up there an' play the fool.' 'What?' replied George. 'Is 'e a-gorn' to give yew the sack or is e' a-gorn' to keep two on us?' * * * A MASTEROUS GOOD JOB A couple of farm workers were talking in the corner of a field while they were having their 'elevenses'. One of them asked: 'An' what are your two boys doin' now, Jim?' 'Well,' said Jim, 'the younger one hev got himself apprenticed to a baker, but the other one hev a master good job in Norwich. He earn more a week than Oi dew. 'Oh, ah – what dew he dew then?' He droive one of them public conveniences.' * * * FINAL JOURNEY Uncle John, who spent most of his life running errands for his wife, died. She was concerned as to how she should send the money to the undertaker to pay the funeral expenses and, after offering various alternatives, remarked: 'Now, if John wus here he cood hev took that down on his boike.' * * * WUSS ORF One morning, Fred, who had been very busy ditching, had just sat down for a moment to have a smoke when old farmer Collins came up and told him off. Fred thought he had well earned his smoke and said to farmer Collins: 'One thing Oi dew know. The more yew dew, the better yew git wuss.' * * * Young fellow (slower and louder); 'HA' YA' SEEN BOB?'
Old man: 'No. Ha' yew ?
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'How do you mean, just right?' asked the farmer. 'Well,' said Fred, 'if that had bin any betta Oi woon't hev got it an' if that had bin any wusser Oi coon't hev drunk it!' * * * HE DON'T LISSEN, DO HE? An old man and a young lad were muck spreading on a farm one day when the farmer, who had been watching them from the gate, walked up to them and said to the younger one: 'George, I've been watching you two at work and I've noticed that the old man is spreading two forkfuls to your one.' 'Yis, maaster, Oi know', replied George. 'Oi keep a-tellin' the silly old sod 'bout it but he tearke no notice o' me.' * * * THE OLD QUESTION A Norfolk farmer was helping one of his men to fill out a Government form. 'How old are you'.'' he said. 'Oi'm noighty-one,' replied the man. 'Nonsense!' said the farmer. 'Your fathers still alive. How old is he?' 'He's terrible old, he is. Over eighty.' * * *
On this occasion Brookes was driving Smith's horse and cart with reckless abandon, with Charlie seated beside him.
Suddenly the horse, travelling at full speed, staggered and fell. As the shafts hit the road, the cart broke away and smashed itself to bits against a tree. All was still for a moment, then Fred, who had managed to hold tight and was still sitting on the seat amongst the wreckage, said: 'Watta yar git down outta yar cart in such a hurry fer, Master Smith?' Back came the winded reply from the ditch on the other side of the road: 'Cor blast yar eyes, bor. Somebody a' gotta goo back an' see arter the poor b****y hoss.' Now, I have a puzzle for you. Recently, in my garden, something came up which I cannot identify. Perhaps one of my readers knows the answer to this. So I have included a series of images for you to see. What on earth is it? Can anyone help? Is it a plant? Or is it a weed? Please help ... if you can! WHAT IS IT? This morning I took some more photos of Wymondham, starting at the Abbey Church. Then I walked along Church Street and up Market Street. MORE PICTURES OF WYMONDHAM Just for a change, I have included an album which is filled with photos from around Wymondham, Norfolk, town centre. These were all taken this morning. WYMONDHAM PHOTO ALBUM A fireman quickly tried to calm them down. 'You don't want to worry yourselves a mite,' he told them. That en't your chimney on fire. We just put the spout down the wrong chimney.' * * * RECEPTACLE PROVIDED Many years ago, a farmer was driving home from market with his grown up daughter in their horse and trap. At one point of their journey they were held up by robbers who demanded their money. After searching the pair and finding nothing, the highwaymen appropriated the horse and trap and drove away, leaving the farmer and his daughter standing by the roadside. Father and daughter looked at one another and finally he said: 'What did you do with the purse?' His daughter replied by producing it from her mouth and said 'Yew offen tell me that moi mouth is too wide but tha's bin useful today.' Father went quiet for a few minutes, then he said : 'Pity yar owd Mother woon't here, we coulda saved the hoss and cart.' * * * NIGHTLIGHT An elderly villager once said to me: 'Th'ode moon en't a bit o' good. That never shoines on a dark noight.' * * * BOTH ALIKE An old man went to see the doctor with knee trouble. After examination, the doctor said he thought the pain in the knee was due to old age. 'Oi can't hev that,' said the old man. 'Both moi knees are the same age an' t' other one's orl right.' * * *
'Darned if Oi knows, Miss,' the old man replied. 'Oi niver hed no 'sperience wi' them there things.' * * * A TICKLISH QUESTION A schoolmaster was giving a class a lecture, many years ago, on the different types of English woods and their uses in the making of pieces of furniture such as tables and chests-of-drawers. During the lecture he asked young Danny the kind of drawers most common in his mother's house. The boy, with a hard thinking look on his face, spluttered out: 'P-p-p-pink flannelette, Sir.' * * * A GOOD FRIEND An old vicar was visiting one day and remarked to a woman in the village that she had a very large family. Much to his amazement she replied, cheerily: 'Yis, Sir. Tha's roight. An' if the chuchyaard he'nt h'bin a good friend to me, Oi dun't know what Oi shoulda done.' * * * THAT'S THE WAY TO DO IT! Many years ago, my grandfather was looking round an old cottage with a view to purchase. The tenant at the time was a very stout old man and my father, noticing how small the privy was, remarked that he must find it hard to turn round in such a small place. The old man said: 'Lor, Oi dun't tarn round in there. Oi undoes moi braces outside an' backs in.' * * * WHOLLY FRUZ FARMER: 'Well tha's loikE this 'ere, Govner, that ol' airyplane come a-swishin' an' a-roarin' roight acorst moi meader, not 10 foot above the grass it wus. Yew niver hud sich a carryin' on in all yar loife, not since ol' 'itler hulled one o' them doodly machines inta widder Gozzling's pasture, what med her ol' dicky run amuck all the way t' Swaffham. 'Ah, that wus a noight that wus, bor, but hold yew on, ol' partner, this woon't no doodly machine. Wait yew a minute, this duzzy airyplane wus wholly wuss by far. Whoi, moi poor ol' gals wus all fruz togither on the medder just loike the laast trumpet hed a-sounded. They wus far wuss frighted than widder Gozzling's dicky wus an', dew yew know, bor, they bin wholly fruz ever since.' AIR MINISTRY OFFICIAL: 'I see. The fright dried your cows up.' * * *
'What do you think of them?' he asked the gardener.
'Uh-huh,' said the gardener, with his head on one side. 'I bought them from Woolworth's,' said the man, proudly. 'Jist what Oi allus say', replied the gardener. 'Woolworth's seeds en't no good.'
The passenger searched the station for the refreshment room without success. Returning to his carriage, he met the porter again. 'I thought you said I could get a cup of tea?' he said. 'No, bor, what Oi said wus yew'd got toime fer one. Oi never said as yew could git one.' * * * CHRISTMAS GIFT An old vintage car clanked onto Foundry bridge, Norwich, was held up by the lights and stalled. The driver climbed out and started cranking to get it started again. Immediately behind him was a brand new black and silver Cadillac. The harder he cranked, the louder the Cadillac hooted at him. Finally, red of face and short of wind, he turned to the Cadillac's owner and said quietly: 'An' what else did y'have for Christmas?' * * * FLEA POWDER? Some years ago, a landgirl entered a small general store in Filby and asked the man behind the counter if he sold powder. 'Cartainly, Miss', said the man. 'D'yew want face, emery, gun or flea powder ?' * * * DUTTY PLATES The proprietor of a Cromer guest house advertised for an extra maid during the holiday season, but the girl who took the job was dismissed at the end of the first month. When she asked the reason, the landlady produced two plates which gave evidence of unsatisfactory washing up. 'Dew yew take a look at these', she said. 'What hev yew to say for y'self?' 'Well, ma'am', came the honest reply. 'Oi'll answer for them there black thumb marks – but that there dried mustard wus on a-fore Oi come.' * * * THE DOG COLLAR A vicar going the rounds of his parish saw a man sweeping the road. 'Good morning, George. How are you?' he said. 'Well, sir, Oi'm orl right but Oi a-bin puzzling moi brains about suffin'.' 'Have you, George? What is it? I didn't think you'd got any brains.' 'Oi a-bin wonderin',' said George, 'how yew git yar hid out o' yar collar.' * * * 'Noo, thass wrong. H-E-1-G-H-A-M.'
'I wonder why you Norfolk people so often leave out syllables?' Then came the immediate reply, without a smile: 'Whoi, Oi spoose to confuse furriners.'
Quickly he examined it and put it in his pocket. Overcome with curiosity the neighbour asked: 'Wus that there a pound note yew picked up, George?' 'Ah, bor, that is wus,' said George, 'but now yew're given me the benefit of yar brains Oi'll plant fivers next year an' see if Oi git a better crop.' * * * PEACE In the early days of the wireless Old Sam bought a crystal set. It took three of us to raise a very tall mast and we then left him to listen in. Calling on him some days later we found Old Sam sitting in his armchair with headphones on. Taking them off his head I said: 'How are you getting on with the wireless?' 'First rate, bor,' Sam replied. 'Ent heard nawthen yit.' * * * CONFUSING MARKS Many year ago, in a little shop in a Norfolk village, and elderly lady sold home made mince-pies and beef-patties. As these delicacies were of exactly the same size and shape a customer asked her how she knew one from the other. 'Tha's quoite easy, m' dear,' she replied. 'Oi puts a special mark on 'em. On the mince pies Oi puts M.P. an' on the meat patties Oi puts M.P.' * * * COMPANION IN BED An old farmer once upon a time was fond of his drink. He failed to return one evening so his wife went to bed, leaving the door ajar for him. Next morning, out in the yard, she heard a voice coming from the pigsty. There she found her husband snuggled up to the old fat sow and saying: 'Turn yar face, m' dear. Yar breath do smell.' * * * WHOLLY THIRSTY HE WUS The old sexton was ill and the vicar was at his wits' end trying to get someone to dig a grave. He approached old John who was very reluctant. 'Oi dun't know as Oi can dew that,' said John. 'Grearve diggin' and sichlike 'as never bin in moi loine.' 'Come now, John,' said the vicar, 'all you have to do is dig the grave and get the bier.' John's face lit up. 'Well now, vicar, tha's different. Had yew mentioned the beer fust orf, Oi'd a had it dug afore now.' * * * A CASE OF THE SQUITTERS The headmaster's room in a Norfolk school was up a flight of stairs. One morning there was a knock on the door. The headmaster said 'Come in' and a stout, middle-aged lady entered, very breathless. 'Sit down,' said the headmaster. 'What can I do for you?' His visitor puffed and panted. 'Oi coon't send Mary ter school t'day.' 'Why did you not send me a note ?' 'But Oi coon't send Mary ter school t'day.' 'Yes but surely a note would have done?' 'Yew dun't think Oi woulda cloimbed all these so an' so steps, do yew,' said the breathless one, 'if Oi coulda spelt diarrhoea?' * * *
* * * POST MORTEM Recently, an old lady who lived in our village and who had been living alone for years was found dead in her cottage. 'Oi hear ol' Mrs Baker hev died,' said one villager to another. 'Dew yew know when the funeral is t' be?' 'Oh no,' she replied swiftly, 'cause you see the doctor says Thursday she's to have a Portmanteau examination.' * * * THE FORECAST As a postscript to the end of February, I would like to quote the description of a Norfolk worthy: 'That blew, that snew, that friz and then that thew.' * * * THE FIERY FURNACE Some years ago, chapels depended largely for their services on local preachers, men with few opportunities for education but of great sincerity and originality. One Sunday morning, a local brother had taken as his subject the story of the three young Hebrews ordered by Nebuchadnezzar to be thrown into the fiery furnace. 'An' he hetted that owd furnace up an' he hetted that up till that was ten toimes hott'r than that ort a bin. Oi wonder what the duzzy owd fule thort he was a-duin' on?' * * * BAD CHANGE Mrs Smith was complaining to her next door neighbour: 'Yew jist can't trust nobody no more. Moi own grocer giv me a dud shillin' this morning.' 'Really?' said her friend. 'May Oi see ut?' 'Oh, Oi hent got that no more. Oi paid ut to moi baker.' * * * THASS A RUMMUN
Joe often helps me in the garden at week-ends and I usually succeed in bringing the conversation round to the subject of past inhabitants of Bale. I have heard about some fascinating people, one in particular, 'Joe's father'. I understand he was 'A maarster one tu boost. He reck'n he once jumped orf Cley charch steeple wi' a jeckdaw in each hand an' he lit orl right'. I gather a favourite occupation of Joe and his father was rabbiting. Joe's father claimed 'he once found a rarebut hoole, and there y'are, that wus so big he cud git in it, stand upright an' swing his rarebutun spaade round without touchun the soides.' |
Boy Albie
Norfolk born and bred. Archives
August 2020
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