A fireman quickly tried to calm them down. 'You don't want to worry yourselves a mite,' he told them. That en't your chimney on fire. We just put the spout down the wrong chimney.' * * * RECEPTACLE PROVIDED Many years ago, a farmer was driving home from market with his grown up daughter in their horse and trap. At one point of their journey they were held up by robbers who demanded their money. After searching the pair and finding nothing, the highwaymen appropriated the horse and trap and drove away, leaving the farmer and his daughter standing by the roadside. Father and daughter looked at one another and finally he said: 'What did you do with the purse?' His daughter replied by producing it from her mouth and said 'Yew offen tell me that moi mouth is too wide but tha's bin useful today.' Father went quiet for a few minutes, then he said : 'Pity yar owd Mother woon't here, we coulda saved the hoss and cart.' * * * NIGHTLIGHT An elderly villager once said to me: 'Th'ode moon en't a bit o' good. That never shoines on a dark noight.' * * * BOTH ALIKE An old man went to see the doctor with knee trouble. After examination, the doctor said he thought the pain in the knee was due to old age. 'Oi can't hev that,' said the old man. 'Both moi knees are the same age an' t' other one's orl right.' * * *
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'Darned if Oi knows, Miss,' the old man replied. 'Oi niver hed no 'sperience wi' them there things.' * * * A TICKLISH QUESTION A schoolmaster was giving a class a lecture, many years ago, on the different types of English woods and their uses in the making of pieces of furniture such as tables and chests-of-drawers. During the lecture he asked young Danny the kind of drawers most common in his mother's house. The boy, with a hard thinking look on his face, spluttered out: 'P-p-p-pink flannelette, Sir.' * * * A GOOD FRIEND An old vicar was visiting one day and remarked to a woman in the village that she had a very large family. Much to his amazement she replied, cheerily: 'Yis, Sir. Tha's roight. An' if the chuchyaard he'nt h'bin a good friend to me, Oi dun't know what Oi shoulda done.' * * * THAT'S THE WAY TO DO IT! Many years ago, my grandfather was looking round an old cottage with a view to purchase. The tenant at the time was a very stout old man and my father, noticing how small the privy was, remarked that he must find it hard to turn round in such a small place. The old man said: 'Lor, Oi dun't tarn round in there. Oi undoes moi braces outside an' backs in.' * * * WHOLLY FRUZ FARMER: 'Well tha's loikE this 'ere, Govner, that ol' airyplane come a-swishin' an' a-roarin' roight acorst moi meader, not 10 foot above the grass it wus. Yew niver hud sich a carryin' on in all yar loife, not since ol' 'itler hulled one o' them doodly machines inta widder Gozzling's pasture, what med her ol' dicky run amuck all the way t' Swaffham. 'Ah, that wus a noight that wus, bor, but hold yew on, ol' partner, this woon't no doodly machine. Wait yew a minute, this duzzy airyplane wus wholly wuss by far. Whoi, moi poor ol' gals wus all fruz togither on the medder just loike the laast trumpet hed a-sounded. They wus far wuss frighted than widder Gozzling's dicky wus an', dew yew know, bor, they bin wholly fruz ever since.' AIR MINISTRY OFFICIAL: 'I see. The fright dried your cows up.' * * *
'What do you think of them?' he asked the gardener.
'Uh-huh,' said the gardener, with his head on one side. 'I bought them from Woolworth's,' said the man, proudly. 'Jist what Oi allus say', replied the gardener. 'Woolworth's seeds en't no good.'
The passenger searched the station for the refreshment room without success. Returning to his carriage, he met the porter again. 'I thought you said I could get a cup of tea?' he said. 'No, bor, what Oi said wus yew'd got toime fer one. Oi never said as yew could git one.' * * * CHRISTMAS GIFT An old vintage car clanked onto Foundry bridge, Norwich, was held up by the lights and stalled. The driver climbed out and started cranking to get it started again. Immediately behind him was a brand new black and silver Cadillac. The harder he cranked, the louder the Cadillac hooted at him. Finally, red of face and short of wind, he turned to the Cadillac's owner and said quietly: 'An' what else did y'have for Christmas?' * * * FLEA POWDER? Some years ago, a landgirl entered a small general store in Filby and asked the man behind the counter if he sold powder. 'Cartainly, Miss', said the man. 'D'yew want face, emery, gun or flea powder ?' * * * DUTTY PLATES The proprietor of a Cromer guest house advertised for an extra maid during the holiday season, but the girl who took the job was dismissed at the end of the first month. When she asked the reason, the landlady produced two plates which gave evidence of unsatisfactory washing up. 'Dew yew take a look at these', she said. 'What hev yew to say for y'self?' 'Well, ma'am', came the honest reply. 'Oi'll answer for them there black thumb marks – but that there dried mustard wus on a-fore Oi come.' * * * THE DOG COLLAR A vicar going the rounds of his parish saw a man sweeping the road. 'Good morning, George. How are you?' he said. 'Well, sir, Oi'm orl right but Oi a-bin puzzling moi brains about suffin'.' 'Have you, George? What is it? I didn't think you'd got any brains.' 'Oi a-bin wonderin',' said George, 'how yew git yar hid out o' yar collar.' * * * 'Noo, thass wrong. H-E-1-G-H-A-M.'
'I wonder why you Norfolk people so often leave out syllables?' Then came the immediate reply, without a smile: 'Whoi, Oi spoose to confuse furriners.'
Quickly he examined it and put it in his pocket. Overcome with curiosity the neighbour asked: 'Wus that there a pound note yew picked up, George?' 'Ah, bor, that is wus,' said George, 'but now yew're given me the benefit of yar brains Oi'll plant fivers next year an' see if Oi git a better crop.' * * * PEACE In the early days of the wireless Old Sam bought a crystal set. It took three of us to raise a very tall mast and we then left him to listen in. Calling on him some days later we found Old Sam sitting in his armchair with headphones on. Taking them off his head I said: 'How are you getting on with the wireless?' 'First rate, bor,' Sam replied. 'Ent heard nawthen yit.' * * * CONFUSING MARKS Many year ago, in a little shop in a Norfolk village, and elderly lady sold home made mince-pies and beef-patties. As these delicacies were of exactly the same size and shape a customer asked her how she knew one from the other. 'Tha's quoite easy, m' dear,' she replied. 'Oi puts a special mark on 'em. On the mince pies Oi puts M.P. an' on the meat patties Oi puts M.P.' * * * COMPANION IN BED An old farmer once upon a time was fond of his drink. He failed to return one evening so his wife went to bed, leaving the door ajar for him. Next morning, out in the yard, she heard a voice coming from the pigsty. There she found her husband snuggled up to the old fat sow and saying: 'Turn yar face, m' dear. Yar breath do smell.' * * * WHOLLY THIRSTY HE WUS The old sexton was ill and the vicar was at his wits' end trying to get someone to dig a grave. He approached old John who was very reluctant. 'Oi dun't know as Oi can dew that,' said John. 'Grearve diggin' and sichlike 'as never bin in moi loine.' 'Come now, John,' said the vicar, 'all you have to do is dig the grave and get the bier.' John's face lit up. 'Well now, vicar, tha's different. Had yew mentioned the beer fust orf, Oi'd a had it dug afore now.' * * * A CASE OF THE SQUITTERS The headmaster's room in a Norfolk school was up a flight of stairs. One morning there was a knock on the door. The headmaster said 'Come in' and a stout, middle-aged lady entered, very breathless. 'Sit down,' said the headmaster. 'What can I do for you?' His visitor puffed and panted. 'Oi coon't send Mary ter school t'day.' 'Why did you not send me a note ?' 'But Oi coon't send Mary ter school t'day.' 'Yes but surely a note would have done?' 'Yew dun't think Oi woulda cloimbed all these so an' so steps, do yew,' said the breathless one, 'if Oi coulda spelt diarrhoea?' * * *
* * * POST MORTEM Recently, an old lady who lived in our village and who had been living alone for years was found dead in her cottage. 'Oi hear ol' Mrs Baker hev died,' said one villager to another. 'Dew yew know when the funeral is t' be?' 'Oh no,' she replied swiftly, 'cause you see the doctor says Thursday she's to have a Portmanteau examination.' * * * THE FORECAST As a postscript to the end of February, I would like to quote the description of a Norfolk worthy: 'That blew, that snew, that friz and then that thew.' * * * THE FIERY FURNACE Some years ago, chapels depended largely for their services on local preachers, men with few opportunities for education but of great sincerity and originality. One Sunday morning, a local brother had taken as his subject the story of the three young Hebrews ordered by Nebuchadnezzar to be thrown into the fiery furnace. 'An' he hetted that owd furnace up an' he hetted that up till that was ten toimes hott'r than that ort a bin. Oi wonder what the duzzy owd fule thort he was a-duin' on?' * * * BAD CHANGE Mrs Smith was complaining to her next door neighbour: 'Yew jist can't trust nobody no more. Moi own grocer giv me a dud shillin' this morning.' 'Really?' said her friend. 'May Oi see ut?' 'Oh, Oi hent got that no more. Oi paid ut to moi baker.' * * * THASS A RUMMUN
Joe often helps me in the garden at week-ends and I usually succeed in bringing the conversation round to the subject of past inhabitants of Bale. I have heard about some fascinating people, one in particular, 'Joe's father'. I understand he was 'A maarster one tu boost. He reck'n he once jumped orf Cley charch steeple wi' a jeckdaw in each hand an' he lit orl right'. I gather a favourite occupation of Joe and his father was rabbiting. Joe's father claimed 'he once found a rarebut hoole, and there y'are, that wus so big he cud git in it, stand upright an' swing his rarebutun spaade round without touchun the soides.'
The Market Cross, Bungay LAST CROP A wheezy old allotment holder, puffing at the exertion of lifting his feet over the threshold, entered a seeds-man's shop late in the summer. 'Tanner packet o' stick beans,' he said. 'Sorry, sir,' said the shopkeeper, 'we only sell them in shilling packets.' 'More fool you,' replied the old boy, 'tha's too late to sow a bob's worth.' * * * PROTECTION My brother's boy, aged nine, recently knocked an earwig off his bedroom wall and, as he could not find it on the ground, was terrified that it would hurt him if it got into the bed. 'Don't yew worry,' said his mother. 'That on't hurt yew — but if yew loike yew can put some cotton wool in yar ears ter keep it out.' The boy settled down and his mother went away, to be summoned back shortly after by his urgent call: 'Mum! Mum! Oi on't suffocate, will Oi?' * * * CO-OPERATION The service in the local church was about to begin and the organist impatiently touched the organ keys but no sound came. He hurried round to the back of the organ and said to John, who stood near the hand pump: 'Pump some wind in, so that Oi can start playing.' John promptly replied: 'If yew'd on'y play a little, Oi'd know when to blow.' * * * ALL SUPPLIED A boy came into the village shop and the grocer asked him if it was sweets or biscuits he wanted. 'Both,' said the boy. 'But mum sent me for some soap.' * * *
'No wonder yew look tired Tom bor, tha's a long walk,' said Charlie. 'Well, it wun't s' bad,' said Tom. 'Yew see we took the marster's hoss an' cart an' took tarns in ridin'. Fust the marster rid an' Oi walked, then Oi walked an' the marster rid.' * * * LONG ODDS James met the vicar one day and asked him to say a prayer for Sarah Grey. The following Sunday and the Sunday after that the vicar mentioned her in his prayers, but before the service the following week James told him his prayers were no longer necessary. 'Has the poor dear passed away or is she better?' enquired the vicar. 'Oh noo,' said James. 'She're won the 3.30 at Newmarket last week!' * * * TURNIP HEAD The vicar, walking through the village, saw a boy plucking up turnips after putting his hat over each one in turn. At the next cottage he came to, he remarked to a woman standing at the door: 'Do you know, I've just seen a boy acting strangely in that field — topping turnips with his hat. Eccentric behaviour, it seems to me.' 'Wuh, thass my boy,' she said. 'He ain't soft. I tell he to goo and bring back a few tarnips. He ax me "What size, maw ?" an' I say "Why, as big as yar hid." 'Thass whoi he fit his cap over each on em.' * * * STARVATION FARM When an old boy I know went to a farm carting sugar beet, the farmer (knowing he had experience with horses) said to him: 'Sid, will you hev a look at one o' my old hosses. He's down in the yard and Oi can't git him up.' Sid picked up a large stick and set off towards the yard. 'Yew en't gorn to hit the old hoss with that there stick?' said the farmer. 'No,' said Sid and at once hit the corrugated iron shed and shouted: 'Git up, old hoss.' The animal scrambled to its feet and stood there shaking. 'What dew yew think's the matter with him, Sid?' asked the farmer. 'Well,' said Sid, 'Oi reck'n that old hoss hev sin more dinner toimes than he hev dinners. * * *
To which her husband replied: 'Well, moi dear, Oi hent heared yew be silent yit.' * * * WASPISH A farmer had a wasp sting him in the neck and he went into a dead faint. The men tried to revive him but could not, so they sent for the doctor. When the farmer came round the doctor asked him where the wasp had stung him. He answered: 'In that there field.' * * * FURRIN BODY The local choir were having their annual outing to the seaside and the new young vicar, thinking to give them a treat, had ordered oyster patties for the high tea instead of the usual fish and chips. Old George, who had never seen such things before, gazed at them for a moment or two; then, carefully taking the top off one on his plate, looked inside suspiciously. After poking it with his fork he called: 'Hoi, Vicar, cum yew hare a minute. That look like suffin' have doied in my bun.' * * * THE CHRISTMAS BOX The boy on the farm asked his master for a Christmas box. Putting his hand in his pocket the farmer said: 'Let me see, boy, how much did I give you last year?' 'Nourthing,' replied the boy. 'Well,' said the farmer, 'I'll give you the same this year – but next year don't ask me.' * * * GOOD IDEA 'Oi've bin hevin' me taters up terday,' said Jack, lighting up his pipe in the bar of the Lion. 'Oh, ah,' said his crony. 'How'd they tarn up?' 'Well,' said Jack, 'ter tell yer the truth, bor, Oi got more taters orf the self-sown uns than Oi did orf those Oi set – so Oi think Oi'll set all self-sown uns next year.' * * *
Whereupon Fred fixed him with a severe gaze and replied: 'Yew git on o' your work, marster. Oi'm on the staff up here.' * * * SLOW AND LATE
At a station between Norwich and Ipswich, an American tourist was telling the porter that our railways were small in comparison with those in the U.S.A. and that the trains were slow. He was also grumbling that many of the trains were late. Suddenly the East Anglian express, hauled by a steam locomotive of the Britannia class in wonderfully clean condition, roared through the station at about 70 m.p.h. 'What was that, buddy?' said the American, somewhat surprised. 'Oh, thass on'y old Bill a-shunting,' replied the porter.
'That sartinly is. But that will rearn afore ternight.' The reporter, expecting to hear something of a countryman's weather lore, said: 'What makes you so sure?' 'Well, thass whut t'owd wireless said a s'mornin'.' * * * FIVE MINUTES RUN In my early days as a grocer's assistant in a village shop a customer asked how far it was to the railway station. I told him it was five minutes' walk. My errand boy overheard the conversation and after the man had left he turned to me and said: 'Cor, yew towd him wrong, yew know. Thas on'y five minutes' walk – if yew run!' * * * IT WAS A PLEASURE A Norfolk vicar was called home from his holiday to perform the funeral rites of one of his churchwardens. After the service a parishioner said: 'Sir, it was very kind of you to come back for the funeral.' 'Oh, don't mention it,' replied the vicar. 'I was only too pleased to do it for him.' * * * * * * EPITAPH After my father's death I was passing through the village and the roadman stopped his work to assure me that they 'whully miss the rector — more than when he was alive'. * * * THE BOGUS TELEGRAM
Joe and harry were like peas in a pod. The only subject on which they differed was football. Joe supported the Arsenal while Harry's life-long idols were Aston Villa. In the early 20s, before the advent of radio, Joe made a rare visit to Highbury to see the Gunners play the Villa, promising to send a wire to Harry after the match, thus avoiding the wait for the Sunday papers. The much-looked-forward-to telegram duly arrived in the village and was copied out by the local post-mistress and despatched by a passer-by to Harry. Surrounded by interested friends Harry opened the telegram and read aloud: 'Arsenal 4, Villa 0.' A look of contempt came over his face. Slowly he tore up the envelope and its contents and said to the assembled group: 'Yew can't fool me wi' that there stuff. That en't owd Joe's wroitin'!'
His first call, obviously, had to be at the barber's and in he strolled with a 'good mornin'' greeting to the proprietor and the remark: 'Kin I hev a shave, bor.' George sat in the chair and the operation was duly performed, not without perspiration from the brow of the proprietor and tears from George. 'How much dew Oi owe yew, bor ?' asked George, and received the answer, much to his disgust: 'Two shillings, if you please.' 'Tew bob!' said George, 'Cor, blarst, bor, Oi only pay tuppence where I come from.' 'Well, two shillings is my charge,' said the proprietor. At that moment George gazed at the ceiling. 'Marster,' he said, 'yew a-got a rare ol' lot o' flies on yar ceiling, hen't yew?' 'Yes,' said the barber. 'It's a job to get rid of them at this time of the year.' 'Well,' remarked George, 'Oi'll tell yew how ter git rid on them. Yew just gi' me that two bob back and Oi'll tell yew.' The barber was only too pleased to repay George the two shillings to receive such information. 'Thanks, marster,' said George. 'Well yer see, yew git a-howld o' each one on them flies, shearve the b****r like yew shearved me an' charge 'em two bob an' they on't come any more!' * * * A TOUCH OF INDIGESTION Arthur had served in many theatres of war and seen something of the world. He determined that, when he was demobilised, things had got to be improved back home in the wilds of West Suffolk. Arriving home one night and, before going indoors, he went round the back. There, at the end of the garden path, stood the little shed beneath the apple tree. Taking the grenade from his pocket, he withdrew the pin with his teeth — and threw. Seconds later the privy ascended with a mighty roar. A voice at his elbow said: 'Yew shoon't ha' done that, Arthur. Yer ma wus in there!' Arthur rushed down the path to the spot where the privy had stood. There, in the crater, sat Ma, covered in debris and bewilderment. 'Gosh, Ma,' cried Arthur, 'Oi'm sorry! Gosh, Oi am sorry!' 'Thass all right,' gasped Ma, struggling to get her breath. 'Thass not your fault. That must a-bin suffin' Oi've eat.' * * *
Drawing alongside my friend called out: 'Why on earth didn't yew tell me the rud wus blocked yew silly so-and-so?'
'Yew never arst me,' the driver replied in his best Norfolk accent. |
Boy Albie
Norfolk born and bred. Archives
August 2020
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