'When 'e got near to my cottage 'e stopped and tapped the winder with 'is whip. I called out: 'Who's there? Wot d'yer want?' 'Do yer know yer left yer bowl outside 'ere,' 'e say. 'Lor Joe,' I say, 'I clean forgot it. I'll come down and bring it in.' 'Don't yer do that,' 'e say. 'Yew open the winder and I'll 'and it up to yer.' 'So I got out o' bed an' opened the winder. The mune wuz up and 'twas as bright as day. Joe, 'e pulled 'is cart up just under the winder an' picked up the bowl and stood up on the seat to 'and it up to me. 'Just as 'e wor liften it up, he say: 'Coo, if I was to call out 'Gee up owd mare' wouldn't there be a mess?' 'The owd fule never said a truer word in his life. When that owd mare 'eard 'im say "gee up" she geed up. I just 'ad time to grab 'old o' the bowl an' Joe 'e fell over into the back of the cart an' the horse and cart went tearing off through the village. 'Laarf! I never laarfed so much in me life! But, lor, when I tried to get the bowl indoors I coon't get it trew the winder, no 'ow!' 'Bless yer,' said the other lady, 'wot ever did yer dew! Did yer shout for 'elp?' 'Shout for 'elp, not likely! A pretty fule I shud a' looked 'anging out o' me bedroom winder at midnight with a mixing bowl in me 'ands an' shoutin' for 'elp. No, I did the only thing I could do... and I'm goin' to Yarmouth agin next Tuesday to buy another bowl.' * * * YOU CAN'T MISS IT A motorist stopped a farm boy and enquired for a certain place. The boy replied: 'Dew yew goo as far as Wiggs' farm, then tarn agin tew haystacks, then howd ter the left past the parson's, down a hill, oover the bridge, then tearke the second rud ter the right an' if yew keep a-goin' right yew caan't goo wrong.' * * * THE DOCTOR KNOWS BEST Two brothers, both bachelors, used to live near our village. Their surname was Theobald, locally pronounced Tebbled'. One of them was very ill and near his end and when the doctor called he said: 'Ah, poor fellow, he's gone.' But a weak voice from the bed announced : 'I en't dead, doctor.' Whereupon his brother said: 'Howd yar tongue. The doctor know better'n yew.' * * * THE WATER-SPLASH A motorist, coming to a water-splash across the road, asked a local countryman who was standing on the footbridge: 'Can I get through?' 'Yis,' said the local man. The motorist got half way through when the car stopped, its wheels and engine pretty well covered by the water. Shouted the angry motorist: 'I thought you said I could get through ?' 'Well Oi jest see some ducks go acrorst, so I thought yew could anorl!' * * * WAIT FOR THE FUNERAL An old fellow was ill in bed and had not been allowed anything to eat for several days. One day the doctor called and told the wife her husband wouldn't last much longer and he could have anything he liked to eat. After the doctor had gone the old woman called up the stairs: 'The doctor say yew can hev anythin' yew loike ter eat,' and the old man called back with delight: 'Cor, Oi'd loike some o' that there ham yew 're a-got cookin' down there!' To which came the sharp retort: 'Yew caan't ha' that. Tha's for yer funeral.' * * * THE NEW BUTES John had a new pair of boots and one day he said to me: 'Mr Reg, I're a got a lovely pair of butes. But dew yew know Oi hed to wear 'em a week afore Oi could git 'em on.' * * * SPRING CLEANING
Burnham Overy church had a three-decker pulpit. The old sexton occupied the bottom part and just above him the vicar read prayers and then went into the top portion to preach his sermon. In the church, too, were the old high pews which had doors in them and little boxes in which the regular worshippers kept their books. One Sunday, at the end of the sermon, the old sexton stood up and said: 'Will all on yer that leaves their books, tearke 'em as the chutch is goin' ter be white-washed yaller.'
0 Comments
At that moment the owner arrived and, noticing the old man, slapped him on the shoulder, remarking: 'There you are, Fred, my horses know when they've had enough.' Came the reply without hesitation: 'Ah, bor, an' so do Oi —if tha's on'y water!' * * * THE EXPERT A farmer was taking a few friends round his farm and they showed an interest in an apple tree bearing some nice-looking fruit. They asked its name and the farmer called to an old man working nearby: 'Come here, George. You've been about here a lot longer than I have. Can you tell us what apple this is?' The old man dropped his hoe, came over, looked at the tree and said: 'Oi think Oi can tell yew if yew'll gimme one t' try.' He was given one and after taking a good bite and chewing it for a minute or more, said: 'Ah! Oi thought Oi knowed! Why, tha's a airten apple that that is.' * * * A NEW FISH An elderly gentleman with every device that wealth could procure for the catching of fish, had been standing for many hours on the river bank without having the slightest success. He had a magnificent rod, silken line, expensive cast, book of flies, capacious creel, a fine landing net and gaff. Imagine the poor old gentleman's surprise when a small boy appeared on the scene with a stick, a piece of string, a hook and a worm as his sole outfit and safely landed a fine fish within two minutes. The small boy lingered not but ran off home with his catch in his hand. As he entered the cottage his mother exclaimed : 'Why, Johnny, whatever dew yew call that fish yew caught?' 'Oi dunno,' said Johnny, 'but the owd booey fishin' near me said that wus a Ruddy Limit.' * * * THE COMFORTABLE METHOD Upon entering a hospital ward a male nurse found a patient with a rope round his waist suspended from the ceiling. 'An' what dew yew think yar a-doin' on, bor?' Patient: 'Oi'm a-hangin' meself.' Male Nurse: 'Yew want ter put the rope round yar neck tew dew that.' Patient: 'Oi ent that daft. I tied ut there an' ut very nearly killed me.' * * * BREVITY An elderly lady was interviewing a girl with a view to employing her as a domestic. 'Very well, Audrey,' said she in conclusion. 'I think you will suit me very well, provided that you always remember that I am a woman of few words. So if you see me beckon, like this, you will know that I mean "come here!" ' 'Tha's orright missus!' replied Audrey cheerfully. 'Oi'm a woman o' few words, too. So if yew see me shake moi old skull, loike this, yew'll know Oi ent a-comin'!' * * * OUR VILLAGE A Norfolk school mistress asked her pupils to write an essay on the amenities of the village. One wrote: 'This here is a large village. We hev two doctors an' one cemetery.' * * * DRARP UT, DAVID
A boy was asked in one of the village schools to give an account of David and Saul and this is what he said: 'Saul he went an' lay squat in a cave an' David he come in arter him an' David he saay to Saul: "What dew yew keep a-huntin' o' me about for? Oi en't done narthin' to yew. Dew yew drarp it." '
* * * SOME TATER An old farmer told one of his farm boys to go and borrow a crosscut saw — his mangolds were so big he couldn't lift them into the cart. The boy went and said: 'Please, sir, my master watta burrer yar crosscut. His mangolds are so big he carn't lift 'em inter the cart.' 'Well, bor,' replied the neighbour, 'dew yew tell yar marster Oi'm sorry – but moi crosscut is stuck in a tater.' * * *
* * * TIME TO TURN BACK I remember years ago an old agricultural labourer suddenly decided to take up cycling. He bought himself a tricycle. One day he thought he would visit his 'old mates' at Ingham, 18 miles away, so he pushed off one very hot morning and to my amazement came back in about four hours. 'You're back early,' I said. 'Ah, bor,' he said, 'Oi gotta far as Stalham an' Oi wus that there hot Oi wus all of a muck-sweat. Oi said to moiself: "Oi'm a-goin' home, bor. Oi'll dew that thare other bit tomorrer.' * * * A SLIGHT CASE OF EXAGGERATION There was an old fellow, generally known as Jarge, who on Sundays used to come to a little mission room in Briston, many years ago. He was so much inclined to exaggerate that his wife, who usually came with him, once said: 'You know, Jarge, yew dew stretch it so much when yew're a-talkin' Oi sometimes feel almost ashamed.' 'If yew dew think Oi'm overdewin' on it, jest yew corf, gentle-like,' he replied. 'Oi shall know what it means.' The next Sunday he was speaking on the subject of Samson letting loose the foxes into the cornfields with fire brands on their tails. 'And, yer know,' he was saying, 'some o' them 'ere foxes 'a' got tails six foot long . . . ' 'H'm, h'm!' coughed his wife. 'Well, p'raps not quite six foot. But 'bout's long as this 'ere mat on the floor 'ere.' 'H'm, h'm!' Jarge sighed a little and after a slight pause said: 'O' course, they int all on 'em got tails the same length. Some on 'em might only be about a yard.' 'H'm, h'm!' Then, turning slightly aside he said: 'Yis and yew may corf. Oi 'ont take another inch orf.' * * * WASTING TIME
A local parson had some glebe land he required ploughing and he hired a neighbouring farmer's horseman and team to do the work. Watching, the parson noticed that the horseman stopped for some time at the end of each furrow, so he asked the reason for this apparent waste of time. 'Must wind the hosses, parson, must wind the hosses,' was his reply. The parson went away, returned with a hedging tool and said: 'While the horses are getting their wind, John, you might cut the hedge for me.' John was somewhat taken aback and said: 'Parson, yew know that although we have a large family an' there is a lot of housework to do, moi missus an' me come to charch every Sunday?' 'Yes, I know, John,' the parson answered, 'and very pleased I am to see you.' 'Well,' said John, 'how would that be if next Sunday Oi brought a stone of taters in a bowl an' yew peeled 'em toime we're singing the hymns?'
'Yew know yer own wishes best, sir, o' coorse. But some folk loike t' chewse their last resting place while they can, yer know. That'd be noice like, yer know, to rest there along o' yer dear woife and' — looking at my sister and me — 'see how noice that'd be for yer daughters to hev their father and mother booth t'gither.' He laid his hand on one of those box-like tombs and began to play with the lid, lifting it an inch or two and closing it again, up and down, as he tried to persuade father to come and stay in his cemetery for good. I looked at my sister and saw that she was having difficulty with her facial expression. The name on the tomb was "Henrietta Caroline'. We walked away, still trying to conceal our mirth. The cause of it was that the name recalled a nursery rhyme we had known as children: "Henrietta Caroline dipped her head in turpentine." Soon, with more or less composed features, we returned to hear our father say: 'Well, thanks very much. I don't feel like being buried anywhere just now. When I do I'll let you know.' * * * THE THOUGHTFUL RODENT The vicarage gardener had set a trap for a rat, which was preying on the chicken's food and he reported success. 'Oh, poor thing!' said the vicar's wife. Is it dead?' 'Yes, mum. I hit it on the hid.' 'Oh, didn't it look frightened when you approached it?' 'Well, mum, that looked kinder thoughtful.' * * * FUST TO BE LARST In a Norfolk village some harvesters had had a hot dinner brought to them in the field — all except one old gentleman. Although he lived as near to the field as anyone his wife never seemed to arrive on time. This annoyed him and he began to grumble and at last he said: 'Them as live nighest are allus the fust to be larst.' * * * THE SURE CURE At the local market, Tom saw his friend Ernest approaching, hands deep in his trousers pockets and a worried expression on his face. 'Mornin' Arnie. Wa's wrong o' you?' 'Wa mornin' Tom, bor, Oi was a-thinken o' moi owd cow what got the colic. Oi reckon Oi shall lose har.' 'Oi had a cow with colic week afore last,' said Tom by way of comfort. 'What did yew dew for har?' asked Ernest. 'Whoi,' said Tom, 'Oi give har a pint o' warm tarpentoine.' Ernest went home, called at the ironmonger's to get a pint of turpentine and treated his cow according to Tom's instructions — and had to call in Skinner, the horse-slaughterer, next morning to take his dead cow away. Puzzled, he made up his mind to check on Tom's cure and next time they met his first words were: 'Tom, bor, what did yew say yew give yar owd cow when that had colic ?' 'Wa, tarpentoine, Arnie, a pint o' warm tarpentoine.' 'Tha's what Oi thought yew said. Oi give moi owd cow some and that doid,' said Arnie, scratching his head. 'So did moine,' said Tom! * * * AFTERNOON TEA The new minister called upon one of his poorest parishioners, an old lady living in a small cottage, who invited him to have a cup of tea. The minister eyed the dirty cloth, half-empty milk bottle with a fly floating in it and the dirty cup and saucer. He tried to excuse himself but the old lady insisted. He watched her pour out the tea and saw the fly plump into the cup with the milk. He decided that the only way he could drink the tea at all would be to use the other side of the cup. 'Well I never!' remarked the old lady and when the minister asked what was remarkable: 'I have been watching you drinking your tea,' she said, 'an' noticed you are left-handed, just like me.' * * * THE MAN WHO LOST HIS TICKET Owd Garge, who travelled regularly between Norwich and Newmarket during the racing season, was looked upon as 'good for a bit of a joke' by many of his fellow-travellers. On one occasion Garge was sleeping peacefully in a corner with his ticket sticking out of his waistcoat pocket. One of his cronies slipped the ticket gently from the pocket without waking him. Half an hour later: 'Come on Garge! Wake up! They collect tickets at the next stop.' Poor old George, still half asleep, felt in all his pockets and over his face crept a look of deep concern. 'Oi a-lorst me ticket,' he said, addressing the carriage as a whole. 'What am a a-goan to du.' 'Yew'd better git under the seat,' said the other travellers almost in unison. With much cursing, puffing and blowing, George managed to squeeze under the seat where he remained, half suffocated by dust and with a toffee-paper sticking firmly to his right ear, until the train stopped. 'Tickets please!' and the collector was at the door. The man nearest handed him the tickets. The collector looked at them and scratched his head, There were five tickets and only four passengers. 'Where's the other one?' he asked. The man by the window pointed under the seat. 'There's the owd fule,' he said. 'He thinks he's lorst his ticket.' * * * On another similar journey a man sat in a corner of the carriage fast asleep. His ticket was firmly gripped between his teeth and a gentle, rhythmic snore floated across the air. At the stop before Newmarket: 'Tickets please!' called the collector.
All the occupants of the carriage gave up their tickets except the man in the corner. He woke with a start and began to feel in one pocket after another then slowly shook his head. After watching impatiently for a time the collector snatched the ticket from the man's mouth and slammed the door. A parson was sitting opposite and had been watching the incident with amused interest. He tapped our friend on the knee and said: 'Surely you knew it was there?' 'Yis,' was the reply. 'Oi wus suckin' yisterday's date off!'
'Come yew on, John, yew're taking up all o' the rud.' To which old John replied: 'Funny thing, guv'nor, Oi wuz jist paassing the searme opinyun 'bout yew.' * * * A DISTINGUISHING FEATURE Some 50 years ago, a dealer called at an farm in an out-of-the-way corner of Norfolk. A bucolic looking youth answered the knock, 'Is your father at home?' asked the visitor. 'Noo, he int,' was the reply. 'Yew'll find him down the rud wi' the owd pigs. Yew'll know father cos he got a hat on.' * * * A BELLRINGING RECORD The new vicar met one of his bell-ringers outside the church. 'You have been ringing bells a number of years, I expect,' he said. 'Yis, sir,' replied John, 'that Oi hev, sir.' 'Have you ever rung the old year out and the new year in ?' 'Oh, yis, sir,' said John, 'hundreds of toimes.' * * * GOOD MORNING, UNCLE In a small, well-known town a new curate said to the choirboys: 'Now, boys, when you come into church I want you to say "Good morning, father".' The boys went home and told their mothers. Said one: 'You'll do nothing of the sort. You have one good father. You don't want another. Tell him I have no objection to you calling him uncle.' * * * * * * THE CHAGRIN OF JACOB A Norfolk schoolteacher had been giving a lesson on the virtue of patience. She asked her class how they thought Jacob felt when he found he had been given Leah for a wife instead of Rachael. She expected to be told that he felt spurred on to wait another seven years. Instead a child said: 'I expect he felt wholly sucked in.' * * * WHY HE SOLD THE SOW A man was telling a friend about the sow he used to own. 'But Oi got rid on her,' he said. 'She worn't n' good. The fust time she pigged she din't hev any an' the next toime she hed only tew and they et each other.' * * * THE DOG WON A prominent farmer, who was also a keen greyhound-owner, was one day exercising the pride of his dogs when it surprised a hare and a terrific chase ensued . Following them up, the farmer enquired of an old labourer if he had seen anything of the greyhound or the hare. 'Aye, marster, thet Oi hev. They went by me an' they worn't half a-goin' and Oi'd say the owd dawg wuz about four yard a-hid.' * * * DRAWING THE CORK
Many years ago, I was having net practice on the cricket field and was being bowled to by two or three village lads and old John O'Connor, father of the more famous John O'Connor who played for Essex for many years. I had been batting for about 10 minutes without being bowled and called out to old John: 'There's a bottle of beer on the stumps, John.' 'Is there!' he said. 'Right!' He picked out the best ball of those in use, licked his fingers and with a broad grin sent me down a ball which would not have disgraced even Bedser. How it missed the off stumps I really do not know. I called out: 'The bottle's still there, John!' 'I know it is,' said he. 'But the cork's out!'
* * * THE ROAD TO CROMER A cyclist who was spending his holiday in Norfolk came to two fork roads. One road led to a long, steep hill and not wishing to climb this unnecessarily he decided to make sure first of all that it was the right road. He approached a yokel, who was standing nearby, and asked him which was the road to Cromer. 'Oi dun't know,' he replied. The cyclist decided to start pushing his cycle up the hill, under the impression that it was probably the right direction. As he reached the top he heard the yokel calling out in a loud voice: 'Hi! Hi! Come yew here!' So he made his way down the hill again and when he reached the bottom the yokel said: 'Oi hev jist arsked moi brother an' he saay he dun't know either.' * * * FAINT PRAISE In a Norfolk parish a farm worker met the rector on Monday and wanted to say that he had enjoyed the sermon on the Sunday. The best he could manage in the way of appreciation was: 'Your sermon never did me no 'arm last night, sir.' * * * WE HETTA BE EXACT A carpenter and an engineer were discussing how accurate they had to be in measuring their work. 'In our work,' said the engineer, 'we measure to within thousands of an inch.' 'We measure nearer than that,' said the carpenter. 'We hetta be exact.' * * * THE POMPOUS VIRGIN OF ELY Some years ago a friend of mine lived at Ely and, one day, she noticed a very stout and pompous man who often walked in the grounds of the house. One day she said to the maid: 'Who is that gentleman?' 'Oh, him,' replied the maid. 'He's one of the virgins from the cathedral.' * * * A LITTLE HELP Old George had living with him on the farm a young man who was always late in getting up in the morning. So one morning George called: 'Bill, yew be late agin this mornin', so, I're helped yew a bit. I've laced yer boots up ready for yer.' * * * A USEFUL SIZE OF CAP
A boy came home from school in a very tearful condition and complained to his mother that other boys had called him 'bighead.' Between his tears he asked if he had a big head, to which his mother replied: 'Of course not, Willy. Dew yew dry your eyes and run down to the shop and get me a stone of taters in your cap!'
* * * PHENOMENON The local preacher had come across the word 'phenomenon' when preparing for the service he planned to take the following Sunday and naturally had to make full use of it. Unfortunately he'd never heard the word pronounced and kept saying 'flnny-nomen.' At the meal which followed the service his host remarked: 'That was a powerful sermon of yours, brother, but there was one word I didn't understand. What is a finny-nomen?' 'Well,' the vicar replied, 'tha's like this. Yew've seen a cow chewing the cud in a field? Well, that en't a finny-nomen. Yew've seen a thistle growing on the side of the road? Well, that en't a finny-nomen. Yew've heard a band play "God Save the Queen"? Well, that en't a finny-nomen. But if yew saw a cow sitting on a thistle by the roadside whistling God Save the Queen that would be a finny-nomen!' * * * TAKING A HINT A clergyman taking over temporary Sunday duty asked the parish clerk to place a glass of water in the upstairs pulpit so that he could drink it before starting his sermon. After the service the minister remarked : 'You know, John, that might have been gin for all the congregation could tell.' On the next occasion he discovered to his horror that it was gin. Came a stage whisper from John below: 'I took the hint, sir, I took the hint!' * * * A SHORT ASSOCIATION John the sexton was fond of his glass of beer and it so happened that one evening the rector was passing as John entered the village inn. Rector: 'John, I pray you not to enter that place. You are going to the devil.' John: 'That's all right, sir. They close in two hours' time so I shan't be with him long!' * * * AND FINALLY...
When my father was practising in Norfolk, he had occasion to attend a man of some 70 years who was critically ill with pneumonia. When it became obvious to him that the man was dying he spoke to the man's parents, the old man being then about 90 years old, and told them there was no hope for their son. 'Thass all right, doctor,' said the father, 'we knew we'd never rear that boy.' WYMONDHAM AT WAR - SATURDAY WYMONDHAM AT WAR - SUNDAY
'Oi're bin looking arter this ticket all day long an' he's bin and tore the b****r up.' * * * A NEW MATTICK In the early days of pneumatic tyres a cyclist was passing through Hevingham on the Norwich road and noticed his tyre was getting irather soft. He enquired of a local boy: 'Do you know anyone who has a pneumatic ?' 'No,' replied the 'boy, 'but moi faather hev an' owd 'un in his shud.' * * * I BET HE DID The village schoolmaster, taking a class in history, asked: 'Who signed Magna Charta?' to which a little boy replied: 'Please, sir, I didn't.' Next day the schoolmaster met the boy's father and said to him: 'Your little boy amused me yesterday in class. I asked him who signed Magna Charta and he said: "Please, sir, I didn't".' To which the father replied: 'The little rascal. I bet he did.' * * * WORTH THE TROUBLE One day I was talking to an old shepherd about the plague of greenfly from which my roses were suffering. He said: 'Well, bor, yew can soon git rid on them. Git some owl rubub leaves, put 'em in a kilter, and pour some bilin' water on 'em. Kiver it over an' let it stand till it git cowld. Then pour orf the licker an' git an owld squart and squart that on 'em. Bor, that'll dew un for sure.' * * * QUITE POORLY Old George Martin was very ill and when his son Mark was asked how his father was he replied: 'Well, bor, some days he's all roight an' another day he's bad all the week.' * * * INTELLIGENCE TEST
a school inspector visited a village school and said to a class of boys: 'I want to test your powers of observation. Will a boy please give me a number of two figures and I will write it on the blackboard.' 'Forty-nine,' one boy called out, 'Forty-nine,' repeated the inspector. 'Thank you,' and he wrote on the blackboard 94. He waited a moment or two and as no-one spoke he said: 'Will another boy give me a number of two figures and I will write that on the board.' 'Seventy-two, sir,' said another boy. 'Thank you,' said the inspector. 'Seventy-two.' And he wrote 27 on the board. Then he turned to the class and still no one spoke and so he said: 'I don't think your powers of observation are very high, but I will give you one more chance. Will another boy give me a number of two figures and I will write that on the board.' A small boy at the back of the room shouted out: 'Firty-free, marster, and dew yew try mucking about wiv that!' |
Boy Albie
Norfolk born and bred. Archives
August 2020
|